Distraught

Original Source: http://howareyoufeelingrightnow.wordpress.com/2014/03/05/distraught/

Each day of my life I have tried to do my best by the people I care for- and I have tried to keep Gandhi’s last man in my thoughts- always. Now I feel guilty that I am wasting the State’s resources by asking for help which is required more urgently by the poor, the marginalized.

In the Mahila Thana, Ghaziabad today there were so many women- most had come for help with issues around domestic violence. I should have been better off- most of them were unable to write their reports. Some had little children in their arms. One was in a burqa.

As I wrote my complaint, the police woman told the burqe waali to go home until her husband turned up for the peshi in the Thana. The Burqe waali’s brother cried out, “Ghar kaise jaa sakti hai madam?”("How can she go home madam?") desperation evident in his voice.

He was no different from the way my brother and my son sound every time they hear me weeping on the phone. They have seen me go through this in both my marriages.

The policewoman sounded quite tough, and to my ears almost callous. I was sure she would insist that the woman go home. The brother requested once again.

My judgement was wrong. The policewoman picked up the phone and spoke to the husband . “Mahila Thana se bolrahi hoon,” the knowledge of the power she wields was evident in every word.

This was not the first time I have seen the police do a good job- one team got my mother to a hospital after a very bad road accident, one Thana incharge advised me to go to the Mahila Thana, and their assessment of Shubhranshu’s mental health has been quicker than that of three qualfied psychiatrists that I have known.

Burqe waali’s husband agreed to be there the next morning.

My face must have shown my own longing – she called my husband next. Clearly this one was exactly the tough cookie I had warned her he would be. When she got off the phone I asked her what he had said, and she hesitated- and then pointed her finger to her head and then to me.

Shubhranshu had clearly said exactly the same thing he has been saying to our common friends for years- that I am mentally unsound and on medication.

I am not surprised.He is never going to stop.

How will I start life afresh when Shubhranshu is saying this on record? He who is known for his credibility- an ex BBC producer, who is running an alternate media portal and contesting the index award ? He has been deleting my messages on every Swara portal for years. And who knows what else, because now I am not sure he is as objective as I thought he was.

I am quite sure he will win the award- I have seen the enthusiasm on the web. And his internet reach is tremendous. He has put in 18 hours daily for years- we chat on two laptops inside the mosquito net on our double bed, from across the dining table.Kinder on the neighbors too.

Can he not see that he has lied to the police officer? So many times I have pointed to him that it is unethical as a journalist and as an activist to present facts in a way that is clever and factually correct but not honest. eg He says he is seeing a psychiatrist- which in english usually means consulting one- but he could mean that he has the psychiatrist on his face book page and they have chatted about a de addicition centre!

When confronted with this he says that everyone is a little mentally unhealthy and it is a matter of opinion, so it is okay to say this about anyone. But is it appropriate for someone in a position of power to imply insanity so loosely?

Well now Shubhranshu is also on medication, and about the same medication that I am taking- and Brahmi does enhance memory- and he says he is feeling calmer- and maybe gradually he will see the error of his ways. And maybe he never will.

Today I have received messages from many people who want to intervene and help us meet up tomorrow- but he has told the policewoman that he is not in town.

I am posting this so that everyone of our friend knows what we are dealing with. I would be grateful if they believed in my sanity too- and stood up and said so.

I have asked that Shubhranshu not be allowed into the flat where I am living alone. I do not want to get into the business of who was beating who- we have already done that to many of our friends. I am asking for help – anyone who can categorically stand for me in court, and who understands that I have been at the receiving end of domestic violence, please mail me at consultsmita.

I will try my best to manage this on my own, but I could do with your help.

But before I work out the violence issue, the first thing I will now look for is a certification of my being a mentally healthy person. I don’t know how this will be done- but I am sure there is a way forward for both of us.

If we are indeed the good people that we believe we are, we will find an acceptable way out